Sensitivity issues?

Call "Dr. Shoe"

That's "555-SHOE".

Can he help? "Shoe betcha"

Al Bundy's "Dr. Shoe" ad from the TV show "Married with Children"

Horatio is reminded of Al Bundy by all the self-styled climate science "experts" (ie, non-climate scientists) on the internet who -- rather than argue the science of climate sensitivity and the rest (because they can't?) -- lean heavily on their own academic credentials.

They seem to be (and think the rest of us are) as impressed with their own academic careers (outside climate science, of course) as Al Bundy ("Dr. Shoe") was with his own "glorious" high school football career. 

Ponies and Balloons!

-- by Horatio Algeranon

 

Ponies and Balloons!

"The flowrate doesn't matter"

Ponies and balloons!

"Just idle chatter"

Ponies and Balloons!

"We're containing the bulk"

Ponies and Balloons!

"So don't you sulk"

Ponies and Balloons!

"It's all over-stated"

Ponies and Balloons!

"Mis-overestimated"

Ponies and Balloons!

"Mum's the word"

Ponies and Balloons!

"About the oilican bird"

Ponies and Balloons!

"There are no plumes"

Ponies and Balloons!

"Or toxic fumes"

Ponies and Balloons!

"We've got you all covered"

Ponies and Balloons!

"As you might have discovered"

Ponies and Balloons!

"No press blackout"

Phonies and Buffoons!

Without a doubt.

As Gulf coast resident Kindra Arnesen explains in the video below, the phrase "Ponies and Balloons" is being used by BP officials to describe what needs to happen preceding each visit of a government official like Obama to the Gulf coast to "inspect" the oil damage and the "cleanup" progress.

In other words, before the official arrives on the scene, "all assets are deployed", presumably with lots of 'happy" cleanup workers (undoubtedly wearing proper OSHA protective gear ) to put the best face on the mitigation effort. When the official leaves, the circus tent is taken down and moved somewhere else for the next "show".

After listening to Ms. Arnesen, Horatio would have to say that stopping the oilcano may be the easy part for BP.

Fisherman's wife breaks the silence

Golf Coasters

-- by Horatio Algeranon

Obama golfs
Hayward yachts
While the oil-soaked
Sawgrass rots.

Obama tees
Hayward tacks
While boom-laying fishermen
Break their backs.

Obama drives
Hayward heels
While the Gulf-coast
Economy reels.

Obama chips
Hayward jibes
While the o'lcano
Threatens lives.

Obama putts
Hayward sails
While the oil
Mitigation fails.

  

In the common parlance,  to "coast" means

"To act or move aimlessly or with little effort: coasted for a few weeks before applying for a job."

But it also has a meaning in nautical parlance:

"To sail near or along a coast."

 -- The Free Dictionary

...and of course, a "coaster" (n) is also the little round thing you put your cocktail on (next to your feet) when you relax. (Wouldn't want to stain that antique table, you know. Might not ever get the stain out...)

The CEO and the Admiral

-- By Horatio Algeranon
based on "The Walrus and the Carpenter"(Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking-Glass, 1871)

The BP sun was shining on the sea,
Shining with all his might:
He did his oily best to make
The billows smooth and bright—
And this was odd, because it was
The middle of the night.

The Cajun moon was shining sulkily,
Because she thought the sun
Had got no business to be there
After the oily deed was done—
“It’s very crude of him,” she said,
“To come and oil the fun!”

The sea was oily as oil could be,
The sands were tarry as tar
You could not see the tide-pool, because
You could not see that far:
No pelicans were soaring overhead—
There were no pelicans to soar.

The CEO and the Admiral
Were walking arm in arm
They hated like anything to see
The folks in such alarm
“If the cameras were only kept away,”
They said, “There'd be no harm!”

“If seven wankers with seven tankers
Pumped for half a year,
Do you suppose,” the CEO said,
“They could get all the oil clear?”
“I doubt it,” said the Admiral,
"Let's go and have a beer."

“O, Oysters, come and walk with us!”
The CEO did beseech.
“A pleasant walk, a pleasant talk,
Along the oily beach:
We cannot do with more than four,
To give a hand to each.”

The eldest Oyster looked at him,
But never a word he said:
The eldest Oyster winked his eye,
And shook his heavy head—
Meaning to say he did not choose
To leave the oyster-bed.

But four young Oysters hurried up,
All eager to be in tow
Their coats were oiled, their faces gooped,
They reeked of the Deepwater flow
And this was odd, because, you know,
"There is no oil below."

Four other Oysters followed them,
And yet another four;
And thick and fast they came at last,
And more, and more, and more-
All hopping through the oily waves,
And scrambling to the tarry shore.

The CEO and the Admiral
Walked on a mile or so,
And then they rested on a rock
Conveniently low:
And all the little Oysters stood
And waited in a row.

“The time has come,” the CEO said,
“To put a stop to speeches:
Of slicks —flow rates —and oil plumes—
Of pelicans -- and tarred beaches —
And why the sea is turning black—
And how far oil reaches."

“But wait a bit,” the Oysters cried,
“Before we have our chat;
For all of us are feeling ill,
From oil that would kill a rat!”
“No hurry!” said the Admiral
They thanked him much for that.

A loaf of bread,” the CEO said,
“Is what we chiefly need:
Pepper and vinegar besides
Are very good indeed—
Now if you’re ready, Oysters dear,
We can begin to feed.”

“But not on us!” the Oysters cried,
Turning a little blue,
“After such kindness, that would be
A dismal thing to do!”
“No need to worry” the CEO said.
“Do you admire the view?”

“It was so kind of you to come!
"So I'll give you an answer!”
The Admiral said nothing but
"Corexit causes cancer."
"I wish you were not quite so deaf—
We can not take a chance, Sir!”

“It seems a shame,” the CEO said,
“That they are all so sick,
After we’ve brought them out so far,
And they're good enough to lick!”
The Admiral said nothing but
“The oil's spread too thick!”

“I weep for us,” the CEO said:
“I deeply sympathize.”
With sobs and tears he sorted out
Those of the largest size,
Holding his pocket-handkerchief
Before his streaming eyes.

“O Oysters,” said the Admiral,
“You had a pleasant run!
Shall we be trotting home again?”
But answer came there none—
And this was scarcely odd, because
They’d perished every one.

The Man Behind the (oil) Curtain

-- by Horatio Algeranon
"The oil impacts are overstated"
(The pelicans quite overrated)

Van Heerden said to NPR
The oil doesn't go that far.

"It's on the surface", says PunksuTony
(Those scientists are all full-of-baloney)

"There are no oil plumes below"
(I dove down there myself, you know.)

The oil flow is just a leak,
That they are stopping as we speak.

There's really nothing here to see,
"Move along" said The Wizard from BP.

BP CEO PunksuTony Hayward came out of his hole and did not see his shadow (Coast Guard Admiral Thad Allen), which means, of course, that the oil disaster is officially over. Drillelujah!!

"Ivor van Heerden says so far, damage from oil coming ashore has been overstated." "It's only tens of miles that have been oiled" -- Environmentalist: Fate Of Coast Rests With Weather (John Ydstie, NPR, June 5)

[Coast Guard Admiral Thad]"Allen said Monday [June 7th] that patches of shoreline totaling roughly 120 miles long have been affected by the spill." -- CNN

"According to NOAA, about 140 miles of our coastline has now been impacted by oil." -- Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal (June 3)

"The oil is on the surface...There aren't any plumes." -- BP CEO Tony "I want my golf cart back" Hayward ( "BP CEO disputes claims of underwater oil plumes", AP)

"We haven’t found any large concentrations of oil under the sea. To my knowledge, no one has," -- BP Chief Operating Officer Doug Suttles ("BP plays down government claim on oil plumes", MSNBC, June 9)

University of Georgia marine scientist Dr. Samantha Joye recently appeared on the Rachel Maddow show to talk about about the imaginary oil plumes that she imagined she studied on her recent imaginary 2-week scientific voyage in the Gulf. You may also listen to a podcast here (June 8) about Dr. Joye's imaginary research.

Scientists have disputed BP's latest claim that they are now capturing the "vast majority" of the oil. From "Scientists from the Flow Rate Technical Group dispute BP’s oil containment claims"
(Gregory Boyce,New Orleans Progressive Examiner, June 8)

"The Flow Rate Technical Group, acting independently from British Petroleum, implied early Tuesday that BP executives are significantly low-balling the amount of oil that is hemorrhaging daily into the Gulf of Mexico. The accusation of BP’s number finagling by the FRTG came shortly after BP officials late Monday stated that the containment device cap which was fitted over the ruptured oil well on June 3rd was capturing the “vast majority” of the spewing oil."

On the same topic, from PBSNewsHour

"Experts on the government team charged with estimating the flow rate think the leak might actually be worse since the collection device was put into place. Ira Leifer, an expert on the Flow Rate Technical Group, tells the Times:

"It's apparent that BP is playing games with us, presumably under the advice of their legal team. It's six weeks that it's been dumping into the gulf, and still no measurements."

Dudley Do-Right Saves the Day

(or saves Tony Hayward, at least)

Dudley Do-Right (BP managing director, Robert Dudley) rides in on his trusty steed (BP Shareholders) to save Nell (BP CEO Tony Hayward, who claims a "thick coat") from the dastardly Snidely Whiplash (Plaquemines Parish President Billy Nungesser, who called Hayward "A disgrace" ) and show the world that the Brits are still on top.


Just in (June 9):
Dudley Do-Right has already had significant success as head of the Oil Disaster Alternate Mitigation Team (ODAMIT) :

Update June 20

Ooops! Spoke too early...
 Just when Dudley Do-Right thought he finally had Damage (aka, Tony Hayward) under control, Damage escaped from the "Cone of Silence" and went yachting (not in the Gulf, of course)

Several have reported on Hayward's yacht "Bob", which finished fourth in a "glitzy" race off England's coast, but few are aware of its twin, "Weave". "Bob and Weave" is an unbeatable team, as demonstrated, not in the yacht race, but in Hayward's testimony before Congress just a few days earlier..

Wayword Hayward

-- by Horatio Algeranon

There once was a bloke named Tony
Whose claims were patently phony
"There's no oil below"
He said to Cousteau,
Who simply replied "Baloney!"

"The oil is on the surface...There aren't any plumes." -- BP CEO Tony "I want my life back" Hayward

BP CEO disputes claims of underwater oil plumes(AP)

ABC News Video: Philippe Cousteau Jr. [grandson of Jacques Cousteau] and Sam Champion take hazmat dive into Gulf's oily waters.

ABCNews video: Exclusive: Underwater Oil Plumes Exposed
Marine scientists have discovered 3 huge swaths of oil particles in the Gulf

Editor's Note: Tony Hayward never actually addressed Philippe Cousteau directly about the underwater oil plumes, but Horatio has a Class E poetic license, which allows him to pilot limericks

Corporate Lieability

BP Boardroom Banter
(imagined, of course)

-- by Horatio Algeranon

It's really undeniable
To tell the truth's not viable
For if we are not lieable
We're liable to be triable
And found financially liable
...Maybe [gulp] even hogtieable.

Tony Hayward's Lament

-- by Horatio Algeranon
with a little help from "The Beatles"


Yesterday, all those bureaucrats seemed so far away
Now it looks as though they're here to stay
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Suddenly, there's just half the pipe I used to see
There's an oil-spill washing over me
Oh, yesterday came suddenly

Why she had to blow
I don't know, I couldn't say
But I did nothing wrong!
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, drilling was such an easy game to play
Now I need a place to hide (the oil) away
Oh, I believe in yesterday

Why'd she have to blow?
I don't know, why should I pay?
I did nothing wrong!
Now I long for yesterday

Yesterday, capitalism was such an easy game to play
Now I need to keep the lawyers at bay
Oh, I believe in yesterday.

Soon after the oil blowout in the Gulf began, BP CEO Tony Hayward rhetorically asked of his fellow BP executives

“What the hell did we do to deserve this?”

About all the folks impacted by the oil disaster, Hayward has now said

“We’re sorry for the massive disruption it’s caused their lives. There’s no one who wants this over more than I do. I would like my life back.” (CNN)

"Disruption"?

How about "destruction"?

And Tony whines about wanting his life back??!

At least "poor" Tony has a life to go back to (sipping cocktails by the pool and hitting balls around the links on the weekends?).

Countless "beneficiaries" of what certainly appears to have involved gross criminal negligence -- the families of the workers who were killed in the drilling platform explosion, fisherman, shrimpers and others -- are not quite so fortunate.

This disaster has destroyed their lives. They will never get them back.